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Monday, June 30, 2008

The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald

The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgeraldby John Prittie © 2007 - 2008

His hips and his thighs, were American-sized
Full of hamburg and cheese from Wisconsin
But as big asses go his was bigger than most
And he liked his kielbasa well seasoned
The hotdogs he ate bowlin’ sometimes stayed in his colon
While the beer just went straight to his belly
And surrounded his chest like a warm goose-down vest
That shook when he laughed like mint jelly

In a hospital suite in Detroit they all meet
Called the Gastro-Enterology Clinic
The proctologist chimes let’s get started on time
Because lads this won’t be any picnic
The gurney they found took all six hundred pounds
That’s what Mr. Fitzgerald weighed empty
Then later that night the endoscope went out of sight
In the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald

Does anyone know where potato chips go
When you eat the whole bag in one sitting
How they churn in your gut ‘till they turn for your butt
It’s no topic for polite conversation
And further below it’s the colo-recto,
That takes in all the seeds you’ve been sewin’
It all gets passed along like an old sailor’s song,
But that ain’t the north wind that’s a’blowin’

They get really big fees for colonoscopies
And it helps fill the hospitals’ coffers
But if you’ve let yourself go it’s much better to know
For your wives and your sons and your daughters
So the doctor said Ed put this mask on your head
It’s time for your examination
Your 50 years old and if you haven’t been told
You’re one pretty unhealthy lookin’ specimen

Edmund lay on his side fully anesthetized
While the doctor played alien invader
Through caverns so tall, they had nodes in the wall,
‘Bout the size of old rusty lake freighters
And now the legend lives on from the nurses on down
To the guys that mopped up at their peril
And one medical journal even ran the internals
Of the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald

----

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, parody: The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgeraldparody of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (1976) by Gordon Lightfoot

Lyrics:

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down of the big lake they called "Gitche Gumee."
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead when the skies of November turn gloomy.
With a load of iron ore twenty-six thousand tons more than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty, that good ship and true was a bone to be chewed when the "Gales of November" came early.

The ship was the pride of the American side coming back from some mill in Wisconsin.
As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most with a crew and good captain well seasoned,
concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
when they left fully loaded for Cleveland.
And later that night when the ship's bell rang,
could it be the north wind they'd been feelin'?

[...]

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